25/05: Symbols... symbols of bullshit
Category: In the Cinema
Posted by: TheZin
The Da Vinci Code
Warning, spoilers.
Really, don't read unless you have seen the movie.
Pre P.S.
I'm not good at writing movie reviews, so up yours.
Pre P.S.2. I only write about the bad stuff so you can see and experience the good bits. (both of them)
Pre P.S.3. This is a pretty negative review because, for me, it was a pretty negative movie. The Storyline
This movie could have done SO much with relation to action and the 'thriller' bit. It had the elements: mystery, romance, action, violence. It even had the possible destruction of one of the biggest religions out there and of course a crazy, white-haired, self-hurting, psycho of a murderer who called himself an angel. It had it all and oh let us not forget the riddles. The magical riddles which they could have let the audience figure out over some period, but no, oh no. The genius-boy, symbol seeing twit Robert can solve them in a matter of seconds. They could, note the use of the word could, have put all these elements together like a well built puzzle (examples of which we see in the movie).
BUT NO, they put it together backwards and possibly blindfolded. First comes the angel of death, then the violence. Followed closely by mystery and even more violence. Then romance and the destruction of the before-mentioned religion and more violence and also an explanation as to why all this (the events in the movie) is happening. This concludes the first 20 minutes ending in a perfectly violent scene where the characters act like puppets on strings and leave the albino-psycho tied together with 2 inches of ducked tape. After that, it's just chasing, although very interestingly and thrillingly (if that is a word), the main characters around and around from Paris to London to Paris, they even show you bits from the past. Then, more killing, more romance. We find out the main character is a nutcase and his female companion has super-powers. Wicked, isn't it so far.
Here is a small example of what a storyline could be and what this was.
How it could be: (written by me)
It was a cold and dark night in the middle of nowhere. The travelers had a bit of dirt of their boots and only a few gold coins left. The dagger on the man had some stained blood on it and the long rifle on the back of the woman had singed after the last few encounters with their chasers. Coming up on a small party of knights they made their way to a near-by hill and set up camp hoping to avoid bloodshed. How mistaken they were. The trap snapped into place before they could react. They were trapped in place by a set of 20 ropes. Unbreakable even by magic. Three armored fighters made their way towards the pair as archers set themselves up a few hundred feet away. A quick slash of the dagger made hasty work of the fighters and a single shot penetrated the heads of the two archers. Five more of the knights approached steadily from behind but the rouge's dagger was faster and blood soon made his face shine red in the moonlight.
They heard horses approach and something else in the distance. Their fears had become reality. They held eachother close as the large dragonriders cleansed their bodies from impurities and let them rest at last.
How it was:
BANG, YOU'RE DEAD
Anyway, it's not all bad, however. I was suprised, I think twice or something and I was quite satisfied with myself when I solved the puzzles before Robert. I didn't however like the end. They make a half-decent story with a decent ending (at the beginning atleast) and then SUDDENLY it turns into one of those little speeches like :"It's not how you look, it's how you feel that's important." or "Don't worry, there's always next year." or even better yet the "I've learned that we can make the world a better place if we work together." speech. Don't you hate those but that's not what grinds my gears, oh no. It's the fact that they had to close every single loose end that was possibly out there.
Here is what they (the people who made the movie) thought: (my perception on it based on the movie) Ok, so at this point we have the badguys caught, Jesus is saved and all is right in the world. Let's just give them something more. Oh I know, let's make the last 30 minutes of the movie pointless and reveal where the treasure ACTUALLY was. OH, I know, LET'S HIDE IT UNDER THEIR NOSES SO THEY WILL BE SHOCKED AND FURTHERMORE HELP THEM REALIZE THAT DA VINCI WAS A GENIUS. Yay. WE NEED BIGGER BAGS OF MONEY OVER HERE!
Bollocks, I say!
The Characters
Robert Langdon - A expert in symbols of the past and present. A weird little person with about as many qwerks as Mr. Monk. This character supposedly got stuck in a well as a child and ever since then is afraid of inclosed spaces. A person who wishes to succeed in today's world needs to be able to ride elevators which this person, I may add, fails at miserably. Yet he has released a couple of books, made quite a few fans and teaches classes in several institutes. Amazing, without once, driven from free will, using an elevator.
TAKE A BREAK FROM WORK AND GO SEE A PSYCHIATRIS, you idiot!
I wish I had powers like this guy, then I could see symbols in everything and my head would explode the next time I see a dictionary. OH NO, THE LETTER 'A'. Jesus and Elvis Presley are actually Madonna. I need to travel to France and solve this great (non-existing) mystery.
After that I could wake up in my white padded cell and take some medication. Ah what life that would be.
Spoiler bit:
Sophie Neveu - A french female, the 'grand-daugther' of one Jacques Sauniere and, if the movie speaks the truth, the only living relative of J. Christ personally. Oh, how this became obvious at the middle of the movie instead of the end as one would expect. '(girly-voice)Oh, I have no real life, I just wait until something happens and then fall in love with a rugged american with childhood drama and possibly many diseases. What fun.(end girly voice)
Captain Fache - The French Cop - I think there should be one in every country across the globe. Whenever someone is trying to solve a mystery or puzzle this guy hops in and starts chasing them for no obvious reason only to give up for an even less obvious one. Oh look, a dead body. Oh it has something on it. Looks like a pagan symbol. Let us find an American and blame it on him.
(passing of time)
I am le sorry. I was manipulated by a church operative with a bad hair-due and possibly no genitalia. Again I'm le sorry. I will go peat up some elderly now, oui?
Sir Leigh Teabing - The mad eccentric one who has chased the Holy Grail all his life and is obviously put into this movie just to skip writing a lot more on how the characters would actually have to find the info. 'es and English bastard who stabs his friends in the back and hopes to make history in doing so. Let's all be like him, shall we.
However, in the movie he uses two walking-cains. I think this is a tad much. Maybe a hover-chair, like Yoda or perhaps an electric wheelchair with guns coming out of it's foot-rest, hmm? No? Ok. Old mad cripple it is.
The Acting
Let's just say, I've seen better but I have seen alot worse. Tom Hanks has done better but it's a good piece of work actually. I like the bit where he almoust goes mad and kills a person. Well, that would be the whole movie but you know what I mean.
The lead female actress, Audrey Tautou, also known from Le Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain or Amélie, did a good job. I am not saying it is good acting, just with this storyline there are not many ways you can go in terms of acting. I cannot really comment on the 'real'-factor of the movie in terms of it being a big load of bull, but it was entertaining. Don't get me wrong. It's definetly worth a peek and I don't get what all the fuss is about. Any sain person won't be greatly changed by this movie as it is fiction so christians don't have to worry about it.
All in all
On a scale of 11 (yes 11, maybe it's not original but I am seriously bored and don't care what you think) it gets a
3 for acting.
4 for directing
1 for the storyline
and of course
0 for using Da Vinci, a great mind, as a tool for the writers sick and probably hurt mind.
Tom Hanks' wig gets an 11 thought.
The albino monk, who looks like a Jedi,
gets a 10 and Mona Lisa and her smile
get 9 a piece.
The script should get a stab to the head along-side it's writer Dan
or whoever wrote the script.
How can so many A-list celebrities make this kind of BS beats me.
Just to piss of Malcolm Lincoln I'm stealing his system too.
I mean, not 'too', just stealing. Yeah.
"2-" - võimalik parandada teisipäeval peale kehalist kasvatust
Warning, spoilers.
Really, don't read unless you have seen the movie.
Pre P.S.
I'm not good at writing movie reviews, so up yours.
Pre P.S.2. I only write about the bad stuff so you can see and experience the good bits. (both of them)
Pre P.S.3. This is a pretty negative review because, for me, it was a pretty negative movie. The Storyline
This movie could have done SO much with relation to action and the 'thriller' bit. It had the elements: mystery, romance, action, violence. It even had the possible destruction of one of the biggest religions out there and of course a crazy, white-haired, self-hurting, psycho of a murderer who called himself an angel. It had it all and oh let us not forget the riddles. The magical riddles which they could have let the audience figure out over some period, but no, oh no. The genius-boy, symbol seeing twit Robert can solve them in a matter of seconds. They could, note the use of the word could, have put all these elements together like a well built puzzle (examples of which we see in the movie).
BUT NO, they put it together backwards and possibly blindfolded. First comes the angel of death, then the violence. Followed closely by mystery and even more violence. Then romance and the destruction of the before-mentioned religion and more violence and also an explanation as to why all this (the events in the movie) is happening. This concludes the first 20 minutes ending in a perfectly violent scene where the characters act like puppets on strings and leave the albino-psycho tied together with 2 inches of ducked tape. After that, it's just chasing, although very interestingly and thrillingly (if that is a word), the main characters around and around from Paris to London to Paris, they even show you bits from the past. Then, more killing, more romance. We find out the main character is a nutcase and his female companion has super-powers. Wicked, isn't it so far.
Here is a small example of what a storyline could be and what this was.
How it could be: (written by me)
It was a cold and dark night in the middle of nowhere. The travelers had a bit of dirt of their boots and only a few gold coins left. The dagger on the man had some stained blood on it and the long rifle on the back of the woman had singed after the last few encounters with their chasers. Coming up on a small party of knights they made their way to a near-by hill and set up camp hoping to avoid bloodshed. How mistaken they were. The trap snapped into place before they could react. They were trapped in place by a set of 20 ropes. Unbreakable even by magic. Three armored fighters made their way towards the pair as archers set themselves up a few hundred feet away. A quick slash of the dagger made hasty work of the fighters and a single shot penetrated the heads of the two archers. Five more of the knights approached steadily from behind but the rouge's dagger was faster and blood soon made his face shine red in the moonlight.
They heard horses approach and something else in the distance. Their fears had become reality. They held eachother close as the large dragonriders cleansed their bodies from impurities and let them rest at last.
How it was:
BANG, YOU'RE DEAD
Anyway, it's not all bad, however. I was suprised, I think twice or something and I was quite satisfied with myself when I solved the puzzles before Robert. I didn't however like the end. They make a half-decent story with a decent ending (at the beginning atleast) and then SUDDENLY it turns into one of those little speeches like :"It's not how you look, it's how you feel that's important." or "Don't worry, there's always next year." or even better yet the "I've learned that we can make the world a better place if we work together." speech. Don't you hate those but that's not what grinds my gears, oh no. It's the fact that they had to close every single loose end that was possibly out there.
Here is what they (the people who made the movie) thought: (my perception on it based on the movie) Ok, so at this point we have the badguys caught, Jesus is saved and all is right in the world. Let's just give them something more. Oh I know, let's make the last 30 minutes of the movie pointless and reveal where the treasure ACTUALLY was. OH, I know, LET'S HIDE IT UNDER THEIR NOSES SO THEY WILL BE SHOCKED AND FURTHERMORE HELP THEM REALIZE THAT DA VINCI WAS A GENIUS. Yay. WE NEED BIGGER BAGS OF MONEY OVER HERE!
Bollocks, I say!
The Characters
Robert Langdon - A expert in symbols of the past and present. A weird little person with about as many qwerks as Mr. Monk. This character supposedly got stuck in a well as a child and ever since then is afraid of inclosed spaces. A person who wishes to succeed in today's world needs to be able to ride elevators which this person, I may add, fails at miserably. Yet he has released a couple of books, made quite a few fans and teaches classes in several institutes. Amazing, without once, driven from free will, using an elevator.
TAKE A BREAK FROM WORK AND GO SEE A PSYCHIATRIS, you idiot!
I wish I had powers like this guy, then I could see symbols in everything and my head would explode the next time I see a dictionary. OH NO, THE LETTER 'A'. Jesus and Elvis Presley are actually Madonna. I need to travel to France and solve this great (non-existing) mystery.
After that I could wake up in my white padded cell and take some medication. Ah what life that would be.
Spoiler bit:
Sophie Neveu - A french female, the 'grand-daugther' of one Jacques Sauniere and, if the movie speaks the truth, the only living relative of J. Christ personally. Oh, how this became obvious at the middle of the movie instead of the end as one would expect. '(girly-voice)Oh, I have no real life, I just wait until something happens and then fall in love with a rugged american with childhood drama and possibly many diseases. What fun.(end girly voice)
Captain Fache - The French Cop - I think there should be one in every country across the globe. Whenever someone is trying to solve a mystery or puzzle this guy hops in and starts chasing them for no obvious reason only to give up for an even less obvious one. Oh look, a dead body. Oh it has something on it. Looks like a pagan symbol. Let us find an American and blame it on him.
(passing of time)
I am le sorry. I was manipulated by a church operative with a bad hair-due and possibly no genitalia. Again I'm le sorry. I will go peat up some elderly now, oui?
Sir Leigh Teabing - The mad eccentric one who has chased the Holy Grail all his life and is obviously put into this movie just to skip writing a lot more on how the characters would actually have to find the info. 'es and English bastard who stabs his friends in the back and hopes to make history in doing so. Let's all be like him, shall we.
However, in the movie he uses two walking-cains. I think this is a tad much. Maybe a hover-chair, like Yoda or perhaps an electric wheelchair with guns coming out of it's foot-rest, hmm? No? Ok. Old mad cripple it is.
The Acting
Let's just say, I've seen better but I have seen alot worse. Tom Hanks has done better but it's a good piece of work actually. I like the bit where he almoust goes mad and kills a person. Well, that would be the whole movie but you know what I mean.
The lead female actress, Audrey Tautou, also known from Le Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain or Amélie, did a good job. I am not saying it is good acting, just with this storyline there are not many ways you can go in terms of acting. I cannot really comment on the 'real'-factor of the movie in terms of it being a big load of bull, but it was entertaining. Don't get me wrong. It's definetly worth a peek and I don't get what all the fuss is about. Any sain person won't be greatly changed by this movie as it is fiction so christians don't have to worry about it.
All in all
On a scale of 11 (yes 11, maybe it's not original but I am seriously bored and don't care what you think) it gets a
3 for acting.
4 for directing
1 for the storyline
and of course
0 for using Da Vinci, a great mind, as a tool for the writers sick and probably hurt mind.
Tom Hanks' wig gets an 11 thought.
The albino monk, who looks like a Jedi,
gets a 10 and Mona Lisa and her smile
get 9 a piece.
The script should get a stab to the head along-side it's writer Dan
or whoever wrote the script.
How can so many A-list celebrities make this kind of BS beats me.
Just to piss of Malcolm Lincoln I'm stealing his system too.
I mean, not 'too', just stealing. Yeah.
"2-" - võimalik parandada teisipäeval peale kehalist kasvatust
Malcolm Lincoln wrote:
Ei, suures osas olen ma nõus, aga kui Sa seda kirjutasid, kas Sa arvasid, et oled Maddox?
Ma arvan, et Sa võiksid raamatut lugeda enne siin sajatamist.