24/10: Grip

Category: On this day
Posted by: TheZin
Mumbles from the darkness. Slowly the pitch-black started to fade into a bright-light. I could feel that I wasn't quite with it and I felt myself hovering over my body.
"Breathe in deeply. Relax. It's all going to be alright." - a voice spoke out. "You've been hit by a car and an ambulance is on the way. Stay with me!"

The voice had no features, it was just a series of sounds with a meaning. I couldn't tell who spoke or even if there was an actual person there but the message came through though. A car - could have happened to anyone but it happened to me.

Was I going to die? Were the injuries severe? Questions started floating into my head. Did anyone else get hurt? Was it my fault? The queries slowly began turning more emotional. Could I live with myself it it had been my fault? Could I survive with that knowledge? Could I have done something differently? It was quite overwhelming. Slowly, one by one, the bright-light developed a texture - nothing certain, but I understood that I was on the ground, I guess the part of my brain that analyzed gravity finally started up again. There was a nudge near my armpit. I was still feeling dizzy and the light took on colours but the questions continued. Did I have a happy life? Who did I wrong and who had wronged me? Will anyone miss me? Would anyone even notice?

I felt fine, I couldn't quite understand which car crash the voice had spoken about. As the textures cleared up and shapes became themselves again I started to realize that the thing that had poked me earlier was indeed my leg. From this angle it kind-of reminded me of a ball of twine, curled up and fuzzy. The lights became brighter again as the voice spoke out once more.

"They'll be here any second now, Howard. Hold on!"

I didn't.

The light is so bright .. if only .. I could ..

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15/10: Kingitus

Category: On this day
Posted by: TheZin
Tänaks siin südamest härra Tootsenit, kelle kingitus mu päeva heaks tegi.
Väga lahe album: Maria Petersoni ja Eva Eensaare "Laulud" ning Eckhart Tolle raamat "Meelerahu hääl".


Minu elus ei ole midagi erilist toimumas küll aga, kui veab, on peagi saadaval meie uus blogisüsteem ja siis juba täiendunud seltskonnaga.

Hoidke kõvana!
Category: On this day
Posted by: TheZin
Tere, maailm.

Kuidas sul läheb? On probleeme? Tahad sa nendest rääkida? Ei? Ok.
Mina tunnen end, taaskord, imelikult. Hiljuti jõudsin kuidagi vannituppa peegli ette ja rääkisin endaga. See ei ole imelik - ma tean, mis on imelik ja seda ei saa sinna lahtrisse kaugeltki mitte toppida, vähemalt mitte minu puhul. Teemaks oli seekord tulevik ja selle kujundamine. Metsik asi see tulevik. Kõik on võimalik, aga samas hoian kinni loogilisest.

Ülikool - igati vahva ja tore, aga õppimine pole minu thing. Ma ei ole kunagi süvenenud sellesse piisavalt. Rutiini ei ole. Samas saavad paljud teised hakkama raamatut avamatagi ja seda nii põhi-, kesk- kui ka ülikoolis. "Lootusetu," - ütlen ma. Enesekontroll on olematu ja mingi süsteemi loomine vajaks esiteks süsteemi, mis lubaks seda süsteemi korrastada ja ülal hoida. Nõiaring, ausalt ka. Noh, hirmutab natuke. Võiks ju välismaale minna ja tegelikult ihkabki süda reisida. Näha teisi noori ja vanu huvitavaid inimesi. Neid maailm ju täis - mida ma siin Eestis mökutan? Selles vast ongi asi. Eesti on ka huvitavaid inimesi täis ja mingi tunne on, et enne ei tohiks lahkuda, kui kõik need on ka tuttavateks valmis tehtud.

Meeletu, meeletu maailm me ümber. Kes seda kõike jõuab ikka ära teha? Noh, mina. Üritan. Ühel hetkel pärast 12'ndat ja enne ülikooli tõmban minema. Lihtsalt ära. Euroopasse, Aafrikasse, USA-sse, Jaapanisse ja muudesse Aasiamaadesse - kõik, kõik, kõik käiks läbi. Kahest nädalast kohe kindlasti ei piisaks. Kolm kuud siin, pool aastat seal - kunagi tulen tagasi ka. Äkki leian (loodangi tegelikult) välismaal ülikooli endale, siis võiks juba tööle hakata - pool aastakest ühel ametil siis edasi. Tööredelil ronima hakata on muidugi tore mõte, aga elu on selleks liiga lühike.

Kurat seda teab, mida elu toob. Äkki ei lahku kunagi Eesti pinnalt enam. Naine, lapsed, maja; joogid, narkootikumid, tänav; mõis, firma, teenrid - kõik on võimalik. Noorus on imeline aeg, aga nagu ikka õeldakse (inglise keeles) : Youth is wasted on the young.

This post has been brought to you through the wonders of the Internet.
The Internet - proof that the stupidity of few shrouds the intelligence of many.
Category: On this day
Posted by: TheZin
Tere hommikust.

Täna ärkasin ma optimistlikus tujus. Päike paistis ja akna taga heitis ta varje maja peale läbi puude. Väga kena oli. Tuppa peegeldav valgus muutis vanad vene-aegsed tapeedi mustridki kumavaks. Terve tuba õhkas soojusest, nii hea oli. See oli umbes kell 11 hommikul - pärast seda otsustasin ma tagasi magama minna ja lamasin voodis veel tunnikese-kaks ja mõtlesin elust ja kõigest muust.

Jõudis kohale üks hetk, kus ma olin üleval ja mõtlesin, mida ma ikka veel voodis teen - otsustasin tõusta. Korter on külmaks kiskunud. Käisin dušši all ja nautisin niiskust, mitte et seda hiljuti väljas küllaga pole meile antud. Siis kuivasin tunnikese ja olin niisama lahe + kakao ja siis oli mul jälle soe.

Ma vihkan teid kõiki.

This message has been brought to you because otherwise you could not read it.

03/10: Goats!

Category: On this day
Posted by: TheZin
James H. Boren - "When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder."

30/09: The centre

Category: On this day
Posted by: TheZin
Imagine one point. It has no dimensions. It's a single spot. It can not be divided. It can not be zoomed into. It can not be stretched.

It is and simply has always been and for all you know it will always be.
This is your conciousness.

An infinity (and then some) away in orbit around this one place are circling clouds of infinite density but finite size. They do not touch each other, however, they are connected. When one changes the others follow suit and so they are in constant evolution - adapting and adopting to their environment. They all move in a single line in one direction hoping not to bump into each other but still needing to know what the next and previous one are doing.

These are your feelings, emotions and thoughts.

Your conciousness or your centre has an infinite mass. The clouds are moving at a similar rate.
Like planets and suns. The suns wobble as their partners spin around them.

Now imagine when one of those partners decides to be an ass about it and starts spinning the other way. Kind of messes up the system, doesn't it? Conciousness is being torn in many directions and speeds. It's getting frustrated and at one point the weight at the middle decides that it has had enough and buggers off, leaving the clouds to wonder about their own existence because without a reason to be, they become bored - they start experimenting with different speeds and angles. Gyrating around various axes(link) - screwing with the natural order of things.

While all of this is happening your logic steps in and tries to calm everyone down but fails miserably and soon gives into the clouds' arguments and joins their sides. So now your whole body is fighting itself because your being has left you to fend for yourself. You know that something is wrong. How would you go about fixing it? Do you force your conciousness back into its rightful place? Do you balance out your thoughts, emotions and feelings? Do you ignore it and let it all fall into place?

This is the kind of shit I think about when I don't feel so great. This is the kind of shit I'm thinking about right now.
I am feeling emotionally battered and physically exhausted. My psyche is falling to pieces if I don't find a central point.

For me, the central point has never been my conciousness - once you figure that out, many things become much clearer but way too difficult for anyone else to comprehend. Enjoy the rest of the week.

This announcement has been brought to you by Emo™ - feeling depressed? Good.

25/09: 18

Category: On this day
Posted by: TheZin
Posted by: TheZin
usn't be late now he thought rushing down the street, bag over shoulder. The banquet of the season was already well into its occurrence and our hero was surely not going to be any more late for it. door. It slowly creaked open. As thoughts of dismay rushed into, through and out of his head he passed a very odd couple, who were staring very intensely at a wall - the wall had nothing on it. It could have been the most boring wall ever created but they were staring at it nevertheless. He was so blind-sighted by this interesting observation that he nearly collided with an elderly lady bearing two quite heavy buckets filled with what seemed to be a very disgusting sludge, almost went through with an impact with a chariot driven by a lady with pink and blonde hair.

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17/09: On Bush.

Category: On this day
Posted by: TheZin
Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervour, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind.

And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so.

How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar.

- Unknown source (not Caesar 'nor Shakespeare)